art by Cher Jiang Yale Station: Letters of Love |
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February 21, 1947
AM
Dear Emily,
It has been a long time since I felt anywhere near this good,
It is snowing -- cold -- sloppy, and when I look ahesd through
this very gloomy day, I see little but stacks of work to be
done: but I feel, very strongly, that this day means
something - that tomorrow and the next day, and all the days
to follow, will mean no less than this morning does. It's so
very strong, right now, that I must stop work and tell you
about it. -- Tell you that it's because of you, and that I
don't know exactly why, and don't give a d- just why, act-
ually.
So many of my letters have zoomed your way recently, that the
things I am saying might be becoming commonplace -- but stop for
an instant and realize the full meaning of the fact that here,
a long way from you -- certainly out of your personal reach,
and by virtue of nothing else but that you are you, some-
one's life is vitally affected -- has been given a new vigor --
new "cutting teeth", to be crude. Someone moves and acts in
all things in full awareness that somewhere, doing some ordinary
thing at this very moment, 1s a person like you. Very hard to
say just what I mean -- emotion is always a bad explainer.
Right now, perhaps you are typing one of your payrolls. You
finish the A's, and coming to the B's, remark what a lot of
B's there are in the world. Mistake -- it vexes you as you erase --
but people will make mistakes, you say, once you're flying gone
again down the list. You come to "Barsolowski", and wonder
what sort of person this Barsolowski is, perhaps subconsciously
you think this. There is a Barsolowski somewhere, and just now
you are involved in his affairs. That makes the man, however
small an extent, mean more to you than if you'd heard the name --
read it in a book, etc. Then "Bolin" --, then "Bowen" -- should
be something in between; oh yes, "Bostick" -- what a queer name --
wonder if the fellow is queer as the name sounds. Someone comes
into the office; you glance briefly up, sweep in the face, to
think about later -- the work never stopping. Some clear thought
of last night sweeps through your attention to your work, not
disturbing it. You think once, "How strange it is that these
things, these records, each one a vital something for the lives
of these people concerned, come to be looked upon as listed items
2. in an office." or something along that line. You recognize the things around you, without conscious thought, and without thoroughly knowing it, are awed at tne thought that our senses become so acutely trained that they pile intelligence into our minds without directed effort on our part -- that these material happenings, the minute features of these people, their meaning in their gestures, are recorded firmly in you through the mysterious little eye -- in a short second. You are amazed that out of a host of strangers, you pick, instantly, one familiar face, when you could not, for the iife of you, describe their differences from other people similiar to them. You say, "out of the billions of faces -- why do I recognize this one -- how can there be billions of utterly different people" -- you say this and wonder at it -- but know that it's true. Somewhere during the morning, some incident, very small, brings a nostalgia, without your recognizing the connection. Some insignificant little happening, word, or glance around brings a feeling of well being. Again, you don't know why, or, knowing, the knowledge is indistinct -- enough to satisfy, but undefinable. Then comes lunch {about now). The end of Chapter One in the life of Emily G. I took your advice -- and retired early last night (12). The world looks much clearer through rested eyes. But I can't keep this up, or I'll become a softie. Many times, during the "witching" hours, I think "she's fast asleep now -- and the absurd things of which dreams are made, are shifting through her mind". The very unimportant (to you) things, seem somehow very vital to me. I'd like, very much, to see you. Like to hear you talk -- see your expression, read all those things behind those eyes. Would I be destroying a world of "enchantment" if I were to ask you to our dance on the 8th of March? It's going to be a small dance -- just my college (Trumbull) -- and it will be a closed affair. The boys and I (and the girls) make it a habit to have a small party just before the dance; then the dance -- and a moderate fling uptown. I can't promise much from the dance -- there have been times when these small, closed, sessions were good -- and times when they were boring. But we can sneak out -- and I think our friend Leonard, at the Town House, can be relied upon to find us a place there. But that sounds too much like planning -- and I won't do any of that until I hear from you; except to say that, anticipating the crowded conditions at that time, I have taken the liberty of 3. making reservations for you at the Taft. Can always cancel them, you know. So this does not mean I am taking anything for granted. Try as I will to prevent it, my work always forces me to give up this most important and pleasant task -- so, until next time
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